Finally, circa 2024, a Conversation between SBF and Alex Mashinsky
The CEO of FTX/Alameda and the CEO of Celsius are overheard
(In the Summer and Fall of 2022, the sudden collapse of Celsius, one of the most prominent names in crypto finance, founded and run by Alex Mashinsky, and the subsequent and even more sudden collapse of FTX/Alameda, founded and run by Sam Bankman-Fried, who had been hailed as the JP Morgan of his time, stunned the crypto world. Some time in late 2024, a conversation between the two men was carefully recorded and published, in November 2022.)
SBF:
You fukkin' lame.
Mashinsky:
What?
SBF:
You call yourself a villain?
Mashinsky:
I . . .
SBF:
You call yourself a crypto scammer? You’re a nothing, a . . .
Mashinsky:
Uh . . .
SBF:
. . . a zero, a fukkin’ lame. You couldn’t scam a pension fund for old ladies and babies.
Mashinsky:
I did.
SBF:
You call yourself a Boss? You’re not even a Level One Boss, you numb nuts sack of useless. You’re nothing but a henchman. A henchman! You hear me? You’re like a fukkin’ measly henchman with a dollar sign sack on his back, scrounging for coins!
Mashinsky:
I protest!
SBF:
Suck my fukkin’ protest, you simp. You couldn’t even spell Ponzi.
Mashinsky:
But I fucked people out of like two billion dollars.
SBF:
You lying cuck! It’s $1.2 billion. I can read Twitter. You even suck at exaggerating about your limp-dick crimes! You can’t just round up to $2 billion. Ha ha ha ha ha! Wimp-bottom!
Mashinsky:
You can’t believe everything you read online.
SBF:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha lol lol lol LOLZ you crypto incel zero. I can believe anything I want at any time. And you wanna know what I believe? You wanna know what I fukkin’ know? You can’t steal for shit. You call yourself a king dick crook? I AM FUCKING ORNN, BITCH!!! You couldn’t even play Katarina.
Mashinsky:
I don’t follow. Is that Candy Crush? Overwatch? I don’t know what you mean ….
SBF:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, you Karen! You GERIATRIC WANNABE MASTER CRIMINAL! The point is, you drooping five hundred year-old, you’re a zero. No! You’re an absolute zero! You’re less than a zero. You’re a vacuum.
Mashinsky:
I am not!
SBF:
I’ll do the talking, ass bag. Let me put it in some OG Zemeckis language so you can follow. I’m fucking King Dick Kong. This is MY shit! All of this is my shit! I am the Emperor of all that I Survey. I and ONLY I am the King Crypto Crook. You’re not even fit to be one of the barrels I throw down on your cosmetic surgery Mario face.
Mashinsky:
Do you mean Donkey Kong?
SBF:
I’ll tell you what I mean, Mashinsky! I am the Motherfuckin’ Money Monarch of Mar-A-Lago. I STOLE TEN BILLION DOLLARS! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?
Mashinsky:
I read you stole $16 billion.
SBF:
I STOLE SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? And you know what else, Mashinsky?
Mashinsky:
What?
SBF:
You had some kind of actual business going there for a while. The lending, the rehypothecating. Revenue and margins and blah blah blah, who the fuck knows what. All that namby pamby bullshit. You fukkin’ lame. Me? I had nothing. Literally nothing! Lit-er-ally noth-ing! There was NOTHING in my company. Not a single fukkin’ thing. The entire shell, start to finish, was vapor, nada, nil, a cipher, zilch. There was NO BUSINESS. Now THAT’S BALLS. BALLS DEEP IN CLASS. THAT’S ENTREPRENEURSHIP, you mental maggot! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I took all that investor money, I took all that money from all those retail dumbshits, I put my giant vegan crypto appendage all down the throats of those institutional cream puffs. And they loved it! And all the while there was NOTHING backin' me up. Just a fukkin’ crystal palace pyramid.
Mashinsky:
Yeah, gotta admit. That’s pretty good.
SBF:
You don’t gotta do nothing except sit there and look pretty, you dumb bitch. You had Terms of Service!
Mashinsky:
So did you!
SBF:
Shut it, ugly, Even you’re not stupid enough to miss my drift, you minge. Your Terms of Service ALLOWED you to trade customer assets.
Mashinsky:
[Speaking quickly:] Well, not exactly true, maybe not at first, we had to change the TOS a lot of times to let us get away with a lot of things . . .
SBF:
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT’S TRUE AND NOT TRUE, YOU SHMEKL SHITPOUCH! MY TERMS OF SERVICE DID NOT ALLOW ME TO DO ANYTHING! And. I. Did. Them. ALL.
Mashinsky:
. . . and remember I kept telling everyone in public all the time that we weren’t trading customer assets and that their money was safe and that we were just lending and that we weren’t doing all these things we were doing . . .
SBF:
That’s true. You deserve a quarter ounce of credit for just Balls Out Straight Up Lying All the Time. That’s why I’m giving you the time of day in this here fukkin’ holding pen. You pisspot bottom.
Mashinsky:
That’s not very nice.
SBF:
You know what’s not very nice!?!?!? It’s having to deal with the fact that everywhere I look, you and I are on the same fukkin’ top ten lists of All Time Crypto Crooks. WTF!!!!! I SHOULD BE ALL UP ON THAT LIST BY MYSELF! I AM EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE TOP TEN, MOTHERFUCKER! My bitch Caroline BE NUMBER ELEVEN! AND MY DAD AND MOMS TIED FOR NUMBER TWELVE! But me! I BE ALL OF THAT TOP TEN BY MY LONESOME SELF!
Mashinsky:
That’s pretty selfish, if you ask me.
SBF:
I don’t ask you! I never ask you! No one ever in the world in the history of time since your dumbfuck lame-ass AMAs asked you anything ever, MashinskyBITCH, ‘cept the prosecutor and the jailer!
Mashinsky:
You watched my AMAs?
SBF:
Don’t interrupt me! And besides, that’s the point! SELFISH IS THE POINT! You call yourself a selfish sonafabitch crooked crook. You got nothing on my scale of selfish. You need to at least start taking lessons from your wife. That bitch at least has a clue.
Mashinsky:
Oh yeah? You think you’re so good?
SBF:
Bitch, please. You created a vapor coin?
Mashinsky:
CEL? It wasn’t exactly a vapor coin . . .
SBF:
EXACTLY. Lame lurdane libtard.
Mashinky:
But it was kind of a vapor coin. I mean, I kept it off exchanges so it wouldn’t trade in big volume and the price would stay propped up.
SBF:
You wannabe edgelord fluffmonger. You don’t know the first fukkin’ thing about vapor coins. I have a whole category of fake coins named after me. Maybe you’ve heard of them? They’re called “SBF Coins.” You BITCH!
Mashinsky:
I think you mean Sam Coins, right?
SBF:
It’s a whole category of fake coins named after me called Sam Coins. You ever heard of them? I INVENTED THE WHOLE SCAM COIN GAME.
Mashinsky:
No you didn’t.
SBF:
WHO KNOWS IF I DID?!!? You say you kept the float low for CEL, right? You say you propped up the price by keepin’ it off the exchanges . . . ?
Mashinsky:
Yeah, and we also bought CEL every week from the treasury! Using customer funds!
SBF:
Ha ha ha ha ha. You sound proud of yourself. You fukkin’ subway pickpocket. You fukkin’ Burger King Hamburglar.
Mashinsky:
Hamburglar is McDonald’s.
SBF:
I’m a FUKKIN’ VEGAN! You fukkin’ McDonald’s Hamburglar. Oh! Look at me! I’m Mashinsky! I’m a Big Master Criminal! I’m a Cartoon Villain! I’m a James Bond Monologuer! Did you ever use CEL as collateral for massive fiat loans? Did you ever use the CEL to inflate your AUM or your enterprise value by billions? Did you ever invest in other companies and then force them to buy CEL to make the price skyrocket? Did you? Did you?
Mashinsky:
. . . I, I . . .
SBF:
You getting the picture now, eunuch? I RUN THE TABLE ON THIS SHIT. I used my shitcoins as collateral for fiat and then invested that good USD in some broke-ass companies and then force-fed them my shitcoins to prop up their price! SEE? VIRTUOUS FUKKIN’ CIRCLE!
Mashinsky:
That is impressive. The expression is virtuous cycle.
SBF:
Virtuous fukkin’ cycle! I invented the Virtuous Cycle! And that’s another thing, you knubjockey . . .
Mashinksy:
That’s homophobic.
SBF:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FUCKING HOMOPHOBIA!!!
Mashinsky:
Oh, I see. Right.
SBF:
And that’s another thing, you knubjockey: you totally fucking missed the virtue signaling opportunity!
Mashinsky:
You mean like DEI and ESG?
SBF:
You never once, ever, in any of your AMAs, ever even one single fucking time mentioned DEI.
Mashinsky:
You watched my AMAs?
SBF:
OF COURSE I DID NOT WATCH YOUR AMAs, YOU SERF SCROTE! You never once ever mentioned BIPOC people!
Mashinsky:
I know BIPOC people.
SBF:
No you fucking don’t, you fucking liar. I am the BIPOC MASTER!
Mashinsky:
I should have been a vegan.
SBF:
YOU COULD NEVER BE A VEGAN! YOU DON’T HAVE THE COHONES! You kept blaming the banks for all the evil in the world! Lame, limp dick messaging! Lame limp dick vision, as narrow as your useless skinny member, Mashinsky! Evil Bank messaging does NOTHING for your valuation. You wanna be a big man, huh? You wanna be a big crypto crook, is that it? You coomer. You couldn’t carry my handbag! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT a DEI donation is worth 100X in valuation! Everyone except you, Mashinsky!
Mashinsky:
Fuck.
SBF:
Exactly, fuck! That’s exactly what I did! I fucked everyone and everything! Every day! All the time! That’s what King Kongs do! [Pause.] Hey, Mashinsky.
Mashinsky:
Yeah?
SBF:
How much did you cash out?
Mashinsky:
You mean cash out or hack out?
SBF:
DON’T YOU DARE FUKKIN’ SAY HACK OUT AROUND ME! DON’T YOU DARE FUKKIN’ SAY THAT! DON’T YOU DARE SAY TORNADO AROUND ME.
Mashinsky:
I didn’t say Tornado.
SBF:
THOSE ARE ALLEGATIONS. You hear me, Mashinsky? Don’t you fukkin’ say mixer or tumbler.
Mashinsky:
I didn’t.
SBF:
Those remain unproven allegations!
Mashinsky:
Right.
SBF:
So how much did you cash out?
Mashinsky:
Uhh . . .
SBF:
LAME! You villain wannabe meathead coward.
Mashinsky:
I read you cashed out $300 million.
SBF:
So they say! SO THEY SAY! Little bitchass number if you ask me! Three hundred million dollars my ass! And how about your parents?
Mashinsky:
My parents?
SBF:
That’s right, you prom night dumpster bang. Your parents? How much did they get? How much of that good customer money did you funnel to your parents?
Mashinsky:
Well . . . I . . .
SBF:
Exactly. And you call yourself a Crypto Crook. My parents bought over a hundred million dollars of properties with the money we siphoned off for them. That’s just my parents. And that’s just what got reported in the snowflake bitchass press. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Mashinsky:
Well, my wife…..
SBF:
Yeah, let’s talk about your wife, Mashinsky . . .
Prison Warden:
Okay, shower time, boys! Prepare yourselves!
[This is, finally, a work of fiction.]